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being a nobody

It’s been so long since I felt this free. 

I think getting health insurance again has helped.

All of last year I felt like I was dying. Meaning, I know we’re all dying since the day we were born, but I mean the kind of dying that was happening because of my stress, anxiety and general choices in food and general upkeep.

I gained 25 lbs.

Yes, that’s right. I wear it well, I’ll admit that. I don’t look too grotesque but I feel like a walking heart attack. 

But, starting tomorrow I see a therapist and I finally also get to see a dermatologist and an orthopaedic doctor later in the month. I’ve been with a broken finger since 2019 and it’s impossible to function correctly. I can’t type, grip, or do anything really, without it reminding me that it is a useless middle digit sitting in my left hand. 

Yes, poor baby with her stupid problems while other people die for simply being at the wrong place, or of starvation and for simply being.

I do my part, but I don’t feel the need to announce it, even though I just did. 

These stupid problems though make me not be a productive part of society, and I refuse to feel worthless. So this Year of the Ram, I am trying to piece myself together again, more metaphorically and somewhat literally, but a mending nonetheless.

I’m also on a steady path of trying to cancel myself. Not in any perverted or bigoted way, more so—by being myself. That sounds like privilege again, I understand. But I, like the Manson girls, and in no way similar, but altogether very similar—want to X myself out of this Social Media Universe. 

What happened to us? Where did we, or WHEN did we decide to use the ether as our own personal shitting space? Our sacred diary? How did we come to the conclusion that anyone gives a fuck about what we eat, who we love and the traumas we accumulated throughput our lives? Yes, I know, gossip helps build communities by knowing who needs what and why, but it also causes unnecessary ego expansion. All rhetorical.

So I plan on calling people out, but mostly and most intimately—I am calling myself out. Reminding myself what a hypocrite I am. What a twat I’ve been. How incredibly egotistical I’ve acted. All while holding a mirror back to anyone standing close enough to see themselves in it. 

BRB

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