sahv-la-noot (סובלנות)

Patience.
I was contemplating this word today. But first, I contemplated it in Spanish.
I sometimes do that, think in Spanish and then translate.
I thought of my gut, yes here I go again talking about my fucking gut.
It is my cross, the nails, my crown of thorns, my death and my resurrection.
It is what drives me and what wears me down.
It determines my mood and my sacrifices.
Back in 2013 I was hospitalized because of some busted polyps in my large intestine. I had purposefully, kinda, done myself in.
I was smoking 40 cigarettes a day, drinking 2 bottles of wine nightly, going to the gym, eating healthy and smoking an incredible amount of weed.
I like dichotomy.
I enjoyed killing myself, but I also enjoyed my preservation.
Since that beautifully tragic event, my gut has never been the same.
I have to take care of it, nurture it, be kind to it, give it medicine, listen to it when it’s sad, rub it, say no to certain situations that might make it sick, be patient with it.
It’s the same with love.
It’s the same with the tragedies and mishaps that come with love.
The love I have, I want to preserve.
The love I have, has hurt me.
The love I have is honest, and with honesty comes hurt, but with hurt comes growth and with growth comes patience.
I am a patient.
I am patient.
I have to treat this love like I treat my gut.
He has to treat this love like I treat my gut.
Make it a priority.
Make it feel good.
Be kind to it.
Know that some days it will hurt, and that some days it will rest easy.
It’s scary to leave this love in someone else’s hands.
So I try to take responsibility for it 98% of the time, but patience also births trust.
When trust lives, it is a probiotic.
It becomes the microorganism that prevents and treats illnesses that come from not being honest about basic shit.
I am clearly human, and sometimes I indulge in shit I shouldn’t, say shit I shouldn’t, hurt people I shouldn’t but I have medicine now, I have integrity, a dead ego, but most of all, I have patience…
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pa·tient-ˈpāSHənt/
adjective

1. able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. 

noun

2. a person receiving or registered to receive medical treatment.

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