it is a perpetual fatigue that sleeps with me, wakes up with me
i’m not even sure how i get to work sometimes
all of a sudden, i’m at my desk and there’s a hot cup of coffee in my hands
it’s shit coffee, but because of its shittiness, it does the trick

turning on the computer feels like putting on heavy armor, a battlefield on the keyboard

as I type this, i am tired
as I type this, I am tired

the blue screen prompts me to remember my password
it’s changed a million times since I’ve been here
been here 5 years
and all I got was a German knife set and a $100 VISA gift card
a plaque that they probably bought in bulk and took to the mall to be embossed

I’m special, but you’d never know if you watched me at work for 8 hours
i have however perfected the copy/paste method down to an art form
you should see my fingers glide, like a fire ant Queen laying her eggs

what is my password?

Usually I keep it the same, change only the sequence of the numbers
now, since I’m in love, it is his name and my name and the date we met wrapped together like we wrap our limbs

I’m allowed in.

my computer is ancient, because somebody like me doesn’t deserve anything new, just something reconstructed

something rebuilt and rebuilt, mimicking me, mirroring me

I sympathize.

I am tired as I type this. I am exhausted as I sit here.

I don’t wake up until 10 a.m.

But the traffic that passes by me in the form of humans reminds me that I’ve been here for hours

I hear someone growl like a bear from deep in the hallway, and the crazy lady that works feet away from me is dancing again

 

I am miserable
I am a monkey
I am a machine being prompted to “grow up” so that the company can grow

My desk is littered with dead flowers
reminders of my soul
reminders of my withering heart

but in-between there are cheaply printed photographs of my men
the men I love

Bukowski
Brando
Travis Bickle
Henry Miller
Marilyn Manson
John

there are crystals to soothe my throat chakra so that I can communicate succinctly
crystals to keep me calm

paperclips and highlighters

a picture of my father and I at the airport on our first day in the States

little did I know then
that I’d end up here